Stop walking on eggshells : coping when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder by Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Coping When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder is a self-help guide that helps the family members and friends of individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) understand this self-destructive disorder and learn what they can do to cope with it and take care of themselves. It is designed to help them understand how the disorder affects their loved ones and recognize what they can do to get off the emotional roller coasters and take care of themselves.
Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or lied to? Are you the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages? Do you feel you are ‘walking on eggshells’ to avoid the next confrontation?
If the answer is ‘yes,’ someone you care about may have borderline personality disorder (BPD). Stop Walking on Eggshells has already helped nearly half a million people with friends and family members suffering from BPD understand this destructive disorder, set boundaries, and help their loved ones stop relying on dangerous BPD behaviors. This fully revised edition has been updated with the very latest BPD research and includes coping and communication skills you can use to stabilize your relationship with the BPD sufferer in your life. This compassionate guide will enable you to:
- Make sense out of the chaos
- Stand up for yourself and assert your needs
- Defuse arguments and conflicts
- Protect yourself and others from violent behavior
Free Listen to Stop walking on eggshells : coping when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder by Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger Audio Book
“Stop Walking on Eggshells makes good on its promise to restore the lives of people in close relationships with someone diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). It is a rich guide to understanding and coping with the reactions aroused in others by troubling BPD behaviors that negatively impact relationships. Readers will find this book very useful and beneficial.”
—Nina W. Brown, EdD, professor and Eminent Scholar at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, VA, author of Children of the Self-Absorbed
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“This book is the absolute go-to guide for my clients who are dealing with a loved one with borderline personality disorder. Readable and thorough, it strikes a perfect balance of practical advice and emotional sensitivity. This book has helped so many people break through their sense of confusion and isolation by helping them to name, understand, and respond to the difficulties of this complex and misunderstood disorder.”
—Daniel E. Mattila, M.Div., LCSW
“This book is urgently needed now that a National Institutes of Health study shows that 6 percent of the general population has borderline personality disorder (BPD). I constantly get requests from families needing resources on BPD, and I recommend Stop Walking On Eggshells almost every time. This second edition is really easy to read and packed with even more useful tips for family members in distress.”
—Bill Eddy, LCSW, attorney, mediator, clinical social worker, and author of High Conflict People in Legal Disputes and Splitting
“Amazingly, Stop Walking On Eggshells not only teaches readers how to recognize the signs of borderline personality disorder, it also shows how they can make life and relationship decisions based on what they want and need instead of decisions controlled by the illness.”
—Julie A. Fast, author of Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder
From the Publisher
This book helps the friends and family members of people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) understand the condition, help their loved ones find effective treatment, and stop feeling as though they are walking on eggshells to avoid confrontations with BPD sufferers.
There are plenty of books written about navigating the lowest levels of hell to get the borderline personality disorder sufferers in their lives the help they need - and how to attempt to cope with them if they can't. This is one of them, but written in a less of a "sucks to be you" format and more of a "you can actually do something about this" format. There are those of us who might not be "stuck" with a borderline family member and have a little more freedom in deciding if we want this in our lives or not after we come to a full understanding of what Borderline Personality Disorder really, what drives it, and what it can take to get it under control - if ever.
I read a single-star review here on Amazon about this book before buying it. It stated that this book is all about "tough love", which doesn't work for BPs. Actually, it's also the ONLY love that works, or the BP will continue to mow your life down like a monster truck and demand you lay in front of the tires again and again and again, making the situation worse until someone is locked up, homeless, divorced, or dead. This book is about humane, thoughtful, methodical INTERVENTION that at least will get your own life back on its feet even if the PB can't or won't. Just because the BP is in hell doesn't mean they get to take you with them. This book is written for those who are determined to not be the next domino that falls in the borderline's life. This book is about TAKING CHARGE of the situation so you get your life back. It is NOT written to get the BP the help they need, though it does offer critical information on the subject if the BP is agreeable to it. It is written to show you how to get your life back and what choices you can make and how to properly make them for you and/or your children. This includes making the right choices, including determining if the BP is beyond your resources/capabilities to cope and if it's just time to clean them out of your life and move on. In this proper context, this book is worth pure gold and comes from the experiences of a BPD support community that has MANY thousands who have contributed not only from their own experiences in hardship, but their experiences in WHAT WORKS.
To the Non-BP who is desperately seeking validation, confirmation, help, etc: Buy this book and go straight to pages 45-47. You will weep for joy as you read that the BP in your life has been concisely mapped out and handed to you on only 3 pages of silver platter. If treatment for your BP is the goal, then you now know what you're dealing with, and if I may be so bold, don't waste any time - get him/her right into DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) if at all possible. It's the only one that gets it all right, gets nothing wrong, actually works, and produces by far more permanently cured ex-BPs than any other therapy or program. Everything else is just trying to copy it and usually getting major aspects of the therapy wrong as it pertains to a BP. That's if you can get your BP to willingly acknowledge and commit. If not, this book helps you with the necessary alternatives, since so many BPs refuse therapy and/or the caretakers of the BP do not have the resources to make use of this expensive, elite, long-term treatment program.
This book is pretty much the bible for anyone who lives with a BP but isn't one themselves, but has decided to take a proactive approach of getting their lives back on track. Not only does this book teach you all about the disorder, but also how to handle both the good and the bad. It also exposes the horrors that the BP in your life can unleash upon you and your family if you fail to act. This is the first book I have ever read in my life that had me taking 4 different colored highlighter pens to it - yellow for highlighting things that I had experienced or found relevant to my BP's symptoms, bright pink for critical information I needed to know/remember, green for highlighting all the things I had done right, and regular blank ink ballpoint to write notes in the margins and underline certain things.
PBD topics covered in this book that had me practically weeping for joy after seeing it was actually in print: The spending sprees, drug addictions, rages/rampages, totally illogical reasoning, false accusations/retaliations, explosive rage from out of nowhere, jeckyl/hyde "behind closed doors" Godzilla that nobody believes you about, public lies and accusations against you ("distortion campaigns"), verbal, emotional, and physical abuse ("rage is abuse"), sexual recklessness/affairs/risk-taking/dysfunctions, and the illogical thought processes of the BP that have them driving away the people they want to be closest to the most because of a rage-driven fear of abandonment that often turns out to be self-fulfilling.
Pros of this book:
Non-Clinical/easy to read
I have only two - but HUGE - con/disagreements:
1. The book states that BPD is not necessarily caused by environment or childhood trauma, and that it can be hereditary/developmental. Though there are cases where both a biological and environmental cause is the determination, in nearly every BPD case I have come across (witnessed or even heard of), childhood trauma in some form of individual or combined abandonment and/or abuse was ALWAYS present, regardless of any physical or hereditary suppositions the book briefly attempts to "stay safe" on. In actuality, the entire book is very adamant on stressing the common environmental triggers that cause BPD, which it continually states are the numerous/combined forms of abandonment and abuse that children are increasingly experiencing. Many BPs exist who were not known as "emotionally sensitive" children but became borderline because of severe environmental factors alone. Most all books on this subject ignore this fact, including this one. Again: two or three sentences in the book state that BPD is not necessarily environmental - but then the entire rest of the book stresses how environmental factors are indeed what most all PBs state caused and repetitively trigger their nuclear detonations. Evidence shows that BPD can be caused by a combination of physical and environmental factors and can also be caused in completely normal children by nothing more than severely invalidating environments alone.
2. The way BP parents try to make up for their shortcomings as parents by controlling every aspect of their children's lives until it is a nightmarish hell of blame, abuse, control, deceit, and manipulation - and what this does to children right under the clueless BP's nose. The book touches on a few topics, such as how the children of BPs often wind up suffering NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). But well-known BPD parental behaviors are not found in this book, such as how the BP will enroll their children in every program they can think of, from school music to sports to scouts to anything else to convince themselves - and others - that they are good parents. This is an attempt at "damage control", to convince themselves that if they have ensured that someone else is raising their children, they THEY have properly raised their children. Worse, will have slaved out their children so badly that the kids suffer burnout, exhaustion, and dread on top of the horrors they secretly endure in the home. Additionally, it is very common that the BP parent, especially mothers, will latch onto the youngest child and will protect/control their lives down to the most minute detail in the attempt to ensure they never leave home, even at the expense of alienating and practically abandoning all of the older children in the process. No hobby, job, boyfriend/girlfriend the youngest child will have will be good enough and will be slandered and attacked ("distortion campaign"). Fear of abandonment is what drives the BP, and there is a whole different set of behaviors BP parents unleash on helpless children that should have been covered much more thoroughly in this book.
Regardless, this book is a valuable resource as one of two go-to books for Non-BPs who are struggling with BPs in their homes or relationships and what to do about it. The other book is "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder", by Shari Y. Manning. That book is for the truly committed individual who is willing to carefully and methodically wade through all the fiery rings of hell to save their loved ones, the category in which I am continually doing my best to keep myself in. Make sure you read that book.
Plenty of practical advice. Provides a lightbulb moment when the behaviour of a loved one can finally be explained. If multiple diagnosis have been provided to these lived ones in the past and nothing seems to work (therapy), this could help explain why.
Informative and resourceful. Mostly geared towards handling someone with BPD, from a non-BP standpoint. Best practices for present or past relationships with those with BP.