By the time I get home, Pm cold and tired. My head is spinning, unable to understand how tonight went from disastrous, to bliss. The laugh lines on my face seem like they’re going to be etched onto my skin until I walk into my dorm room Amber is on top of some guy, riding him like a horse, and they’re both naked. I look away, but it’s not before I get an eye full of her bouncing boobs and sex noises that I could have lived without hearing. Again.
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I go into the shower and lock the door. I stay in there forever, hoping they’ll both pull their groin muscles or something. After a while, the hot water beats on my back and I start thinking about Sean. I wonder if I’ll ever be like that. Amber’s a skank. I wonder what made her that way, and hope to God that it doesn’t happen to me. When I get out of the shower, I wrap myself in a towel and pad out into our room The monkey loving is over, and I head to find clothes.
Amber is sitting up on her bed with a pink sheet draped over her body. The guy she was with is gone. Disgusted, I say, “Was that the fourth guy this week?”
“Yes, no thanks to you. Dennis tried to dump me afer you blabbed.” Amber grabs a pack of cigarettes and smacks them into her palm after opening the window. She’s smoking again. Wonderful.
“There’d be nothing to keep secret if you didn’t screw every guy who walked in here.” I yank a pair of sweats on and head to my bed.
Amber laughs bitterly, “You need to get laid. You should have taken up what’s-his-face up on the three way.”
“You disgust me,” I say, staring at the ceiling and wishing she’d fall out the window.
“Are you saving yourself, Avery? You think the right guy will just waltz into your life and you’ll be in love? Get real. Life doesn’t work that way. Sex is dirty. It has nothing to do with love.”
“I feel sorry for you,” I mutter, not thinking about what I’ve said.
“Screw you, bitch. You act like you’re better than me, but you’re not. You’re a goddamn whore, you just don’t know it yet.” She sucks on her cigarette and holds it in. “Or maybe you do and that’s why you’re such a bitch.” She releases a cloud of white smoke out the window.
When people find out that Amber’s my roommate, they feel sorry for me. Her reputation precedes her. She’s a total whore and everyone knows. The thing is, while she’s absolutely vile, her words are true. I turn my back on her and feel the center of my chest cramp. After tomorrow, I’ll be a whore—a
Pressing my lips together, I say, “You’re right.”
Amber laughs, like she doesn’t believe me. She waits for me to say something else, to bash her again, but I don’t. I can’t. I’m a hypocrite. I don’t like that she’s slutty, because it affects me. No, that’s not true. I don’t like her because she’s vile, because she’s always got some guy’s dick in her mouth. At least that’s what I’ve told myself all this time.
I don’t want to think about it anymore. I close my eyes, willing sleep to come, but it doesn’t. I lay there long after Amber passes out. My heart races so hard that I can’t stand it. I curl into a ball and feel the tears streak my face. I wish things weren’t the way they are. I fall asleep, wishing my life to be different, hoping for a miracle.